….

I can’t tell you how much thinking I do every minute of the day.

I can’t explain how many times I doubt myself.

I can’t find the words to tell you that I don’t want any help. That this is something I need to do on my own. It’s not because I feel like I can’t, it is because I don’t trust you enough. I don’t trust you to not throw it back in my face. I’m a fragile little thing that’s been thrown around with since my mind could put two and two together. It’s not that I haven’t tried… it’s that, when I’ve tried, you spoken before I got to my next word. And here I am, red-eyed with a pound in my head, sitting on the bathroom floor with my back to the wall scared of leaving this small space. Because I will never know what it is like to fully trust another. Blood may be thicker than water, but between us, our blood runs thin.

Too Comfortable (Part 1)

Take your time. There is no need to rush. You can’t force things to fall into place.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried. Making time go slow so I could breathe for one second. I’ve tried holding on to you so you didn’t drown. I tried letting go of everyone who did me wrong. I tried to.

Don’t fly too far away, you’ll get lost and won’t have a place to go back to.

I flew. Soared through the trees feeling the wind blow past me. After a while, I landed in search for something. I didn’t know what it was. Everything was foreign. I turned around and you’ve disappeared.

There is a possibility that they actually care. Don’t judge it too quickly.

I believed you words. Watched your actions. Together they never seemed to fit. Yet I pegged you as someone who never gave false hope. But while I gave you everything I had, false hope was all you gave.

I don’t know who exactly it is these words refer too. Maybe there isn’t just one person. Maybe, just maybe, there were more people behind it all.

Practical

I’m not typical, not even unique. I’m more like the complicated-easy girl. I’m not 100% street smart nor am I 100% book smart, I’m not even self-smart. I could not tell you a part of me I’m okay with. I have a love/hate relationship with myself. But who doesn’t? That’s typical.

I have the urge to better myself everyday yet fail miserably every time. I never know what side to show people because I have multiple sides. Even when I’m alone. My mind is very unstable. I don’t know why I’m typing this down. I guess I wanted an outlet, I want someone to listen.

I feel trapped and set. I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I don’t know how to explain this feeling other than trapped and set.

What does that mean? Well, I feel encaged into feeling like a normal human being. I feel forced to want what other wants. I feel strange to what a person is suppose to do. “Supposed.” That word irks me.

I’m a girl wanting to be wanted. But I’m set into this trance where I am but not fully. I’m a tree. Trapped in a particular space and set to the ground. Whose growth is determined by the sun, water, and caretakers. Me? My growth is determined by my spirit, emotion, and mind. But how can I grow when all of me is messed up.

I feel this way so many times in a day.

I want to be happy. I’ve tried tricking myself at times, and I always fall back.

I’m not ok. I want to be, but I’m not.

I’m Selfish

I wonder how often we have to fight for you to finally listen. For you to hear my side of the story. You call me selfish for standing up for myself. You also call me a coward for not speaking at all. You let me believe that blood is thicker than water all my life, but perhaps we aren’t the same blood type. You said that I owed you my life for taking care of me when we were young, yet you never nurtured me. You tell stories to your friends about times when I made the mistake, laughing at my flaws thinking I would find it just as humorous. You are mistaken.

We fought again today. I said things I meant and knowing you, you will expect me to apologize. Because that is who you are. I will not exploit what I think of you because one day you will hurt me to the point where you will not be a part of my life. We have car ride conversations about toxic friends, have you ever wondered about toxic family members?

I wished to be you when I was younger. For the past four years, I wish is to be nothing like you.

You will notice my scars fading as days go by, on days I forget to cover up. You did not cause them. I did. You didn’t influence me to do it. My hands were not strong enough to say “no.” However, you did trigger it, I will not lie to spare your feelings. After all, to quote you, I am selfish.